The Lizzie McGuire Movie: Reloaded
by insane2
Summary: This is what I wrote after seeing the Lizzie McGuire movie. It's a parody, obviously, and is how I think the movie should have gone. Do not read if you're an over protective Lizzie fan, but if you hate the show or watch it casually, you should like it.
1. Matt is in the mob

I recently saw the Lizzie McGuire movie and was "inspired" [to put it more accurately, I was summoned by the Devil] to write this parody. If you are an overprotective Lizzie fan, don't read this! It's a parody! What do you expect?! For me to get cuddly bunnies to sing 'Best Friend' with candy canes and Lizzie McGuire with hearts and rainbows so it looks like a bowl of Lucky Charms?! No. I insult Lizzie frequently.  
  
I do not own Lizzie McGuire or anything I may mention.  
  
THE LIZZIE MCGUIRE MOVIE: RELOADED  
  
Chapter 1: The Indestructible Camera and the Not-So Indestructible Computer  
  
The scene opens to Matt's room. He is staring at a camera deviously, his right eye twitching slightly. He looks like Mr.Burns from the Simpsons. He even says 'Excellent' like Mr.Burns. It seems he owns a digital camera. Don't ask me how a 7-year-old kid is able to afford a digital camera. Maybe he gambles. But anyway, he spits out a wad of gum (Juicy Fruit, if you're interested) and sticks it on a remote control car. He then sticks the digital camera onto the car. He uses the remote to make the car move. The digital camera shakes a little bit, but it's nothing too serious.  
  
After the car bangs into Matt's door a few times, Matt finally remembers to open his bedroom door and maneuvers the car (only breaking one vase in doing so) around the hallway.  
  
Scene switches to Dizzy Miss Lizzie (to quote Larry Williams) who is trying on makeup. With all of those coats of makeup on she resembles Ronald McDonald. Maybe they're related. They do both have Irish last names. But anyway.that's not important. All of the fumes from the makeup spell out 'The Lizzie McGuire Movie: Reloaded.' By the way, the fumes have made Lizzie's animated-self pass out.  
  
All of the sudden the car with the camera comes flying into Lizzie's room (part of her wall is now missing). Lizzie is too light-headed from all of the noxious fumes to notice. Lizzie (whose brain is so baked by the fumes that are now acting as pot) is imagining herself at American Idol. After telling Simon that he's "nothing but a stiff old torry" she begins to sing the "I love you, you love me" song from Barney.  
  
Matt is cracking up (his computer is networked to the camera that was catapulted through a wall and didn't get damaged so he can see everything the camera can) and for some odd reason banging his head against his I- book. Yes, the 7 year old kid owns and I-Book too. I've got it! Matt is in the Mafia! That's how he has enough money for all of this stuff!  
  
Lizzie is now dancing (if you can call it that). It looks like something in between the Monkey and the Electric Slide. For some odd reason she goes into the bathroom and falls into the bathtub. I think the fumes are making her dizzy. Oh wait, she already is because of 'Dizzy Miss Lizzie' and.okay, I'll shut up.  
  
Matt bangs his head against the computer again (I don't know why he is doing that) and ends up breaking the computer.  
  
Matt: Oops. Oh well, I have a spare or 2. (Remember, he's in the Mafia)  
  
Chapter 2: Gordo-Teenager Without Hormones  
  
Scene opens to this dinky little room that could pass for a janitor's closet. This is where graduation is taking place.  
  
Lizzie is talking to Gordo. Gordo, you know, the guy that's played by a 17- year-old that never hit puberty. He's like Gary Coleman without the talent. It appears Gordo has a miniature 'fro (Afro) going. He looks quite freaky.  
  
Lizzie: okay Gordo, how do I look (strikes a pose)  
  
Gordo: (in a 'what the heck' one) how should I know? Ask Miranda.  
  
Lizzie: yeah, but Miranda has mysteriously disappeared from this movie, remember? We mention her once. They kept her out so it wouldn't be weird, you know, what with you and me g-  
  
Gordo: (terrified) are you nuts-  
  
Lizzie: (like the ditz she is) nuts about y-  
  
Gordo: you can't give away the surprise ending! There's no telling what the author will do to you [all of the sudden gets pale and sweaty and begins shaking]  
  
On one of the walls there is a picture of me holding a spatula menacingly. It is labeled 'Our Hero.' Doodlers have given me a mustache and a beret.  
  
Lizzie: so anyway, how do I look? [Strikes a 'I'm ready for my close-up' pose]  
  
Gordo: [sarcastically] you look great Lizzie. That blue robe looks better on you than on anybody else in this room.  
  
Lizzie: (oblivious to the obvious sarcasm) thanks!  
  
Gordo: (mutters something about not knowing why he's friends with such nethanderthals)  
  
Kate comes up.  
  
Kate: Hi, Lizzie. Or should I say Dizzie Miss Lizzie  
  
Lizzie: huh?  
  
Kate: (big sigh)  
  
Gordo: (big sigh)  
  
Kate: (acting all Hermione-y) 'Dizzy Miss Lizzie' was a song penned by Larry Williams. It's a back pan alley song-  
  
Lizzie: is back pan alley a band?  
  
Kate and Gordo: (HUGE sigh)  
  
Gordo: no Lizzie  
  
Lizzie: a movie?  
  
Gordo: no.  
  
Lizzie: an instrument?  
  
Gordo: no Lizzie  
  
Lizzie: a-  
  
A vein in Kate's forehead is throbbing.  
  
Kate: SHUT UP!  
  
Kate runs away.  
  
Lizzie: (really cornily, is that even a word?) was it something I said? (smiles at the camera. Her teeth sparkle.)  
  
Gordo: (thinking.oh wait, is that possible for Gordo?) why do I lower my IQ by hanging out with her? 


	2. To avoid criticism, do nothing, say noth...

I'm back! By the way, back pan alley is slang for 'from the 20's-50's.' My friend and I are trying to make it into normal speech. Needless to say, we are failing miserably.  
  
I do not own Lizzie McGuire or anything I may mention.  
  
Chapter 3: You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic Ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea. And other cheesy pick-up lines.  
  
I believe we left off in the Graduation Hall where Gordo was complaining about Lizzie being so dumb and wondering why he was hanging out with her. Her are 2 things I want to tell Gordo: 1, you misspelled 'Neanderthal'! Loser! 2, you hang out with Lizzie because she's the only one that will hang out with you. Unfortunately, Gordo is a fictional character so I cannot tell him those things.  
  
Weird Teacher Guy (now to be known by an alias: WTG! Oh, cool isn't it): (talking through a Fisher Price megaphone) Lizzie McGuire, please report to um. me. I repeat, Lizzie McGuire, please report to me.  
  
All of the parents and students all do that "oooooo! You're in trouble" thing that people in my 2nd grade class used to do. God, that was annoying. I think that is part of the reason I turned out the way I did: bad.  
  
So anyway, Lizzie skips up to WTG.  
  
Lizzie: what is it?  
  
WTG: well, I know this is sorta last-moment, but could you possibly give the speech? Margaret Chen is, well, tied up at the moment.  
  
Scene switches to show Margaret tied to a chair with her mouth gagged in what looks like the Oval Office.  
  
WTG: so you have to make the speech.  
  
Lizzie: (in a really screechy high-pitched voice) WHAT?!  
  
Everyone in the room covers their ears.  
  
Random person: did someone trod on a small animal?!  
  
Other random person: what was that?!  
  
So Lizzie is forced to make the speech that will be her ruin (hey, she's lucky it didn't happen sooner) because Margaret Chen is "all tied up."  
  
All of the graduates look in amusement at Lizzie's impending doom.  
  
Matt readies his indestructible camera. I think he must have washed it in Tuck Everlasting water or something!  
  
Lizzie approaches the podium. Well, more like a bucket. Keep in mind that the janitor stores his stuff in here too.  
  
Lizzie: Ahem.Webster's Dictionary defines graduation as.  
  
Lizzie looks over at Gordo, I guess for encouragement, but she doesn't get any. He's currently trying to hit on one of the popular people.  
  
Gordo: is it hot in here or is it just me? Uh.I mean you!  
  
Popular girl: maybe it just seems hot because of all of that extra hair on your head, shorty. (Points to Gordo's 'fro)  
  
Gordo: I'm small boned! And my hairdresser said that mini 'fro's were all the rage!  
  
Random audience member: get on with the humiliating speech! I want to use the Love Tester but I can't until my daughter graduates!  
  
Everyone turns to the Love Tester, which Gordo is now using. He gets 'Dead Fish.'  
  
Gordo: not again!  
  
Lizzie: I'm sure Margaret Chen would like me to get a drink of water.  
  
Someone throws a bucket of water at her.  
  
Lizzie: (now soaking wet) Thanks! I'm sure Margaret Chen would like you all to give me your wallets.  
  
Silence.  
  
Lizzie: no, huh? Well, that's my speech! (Walks away and trips)  
  
Gordo: yes! Her publicly humiliating herself makes me look better! (Goes up to another popular girl) Do you have a Band-Aid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.  
  
The popular girl walks away.  
  
Gordo: hey! Don't go away! If you didn't like that one, I've got more! Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes. Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day. (Looks at Lizzie) oh well, better than nothing.  
  
Gordo walks up to Lizzie.  
  
Gordo: Help, something's wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.  
  
Lizzie: I don't get it. Your eyes aren't on me!  
  
Gordo: nevermind. 


	3. Hi, I'm Ethan and I have a drinking prob...

Hello to all! Mwahahaha! Okay, I'm feeling really hyper, because I just sat through 4 episodes of Futurama. Man, that show is awesome! When I die, I want my funeral to have showings of Futurama so all will be blessed with its greatness. Unfortunately, only 5 people will probably attend my funeral. Oh well.  
  
I own nothing except for the first season of Futurama on DVD (as of yesterday).  
  
Chapter 4: Ethan Goes Irish  
  
Scene switches to this dinky little airport. Lizzie and her family are entering.  
  
Lizzie: Come on! I need to get out of this town! (Yes, their town has an airport. I think Matt must fund it or something)  
  
Dad: Lizzie, it's not like I could have driven any faster to get here!  
  
Lizzie: Yes you could have!  
  
Dad: Lizzie, I was going at 89 miles per hour! Look at your brother's hair!  
  
Matt's hair, well, looks like Gordo's hair stylist attacked it.  
  
Lizzie: well.I like having the top down!  
  
Lizzie and her family approach this pathetically small group of students. Lizzie goes of to the Dead Fish (AKA Gordo).  
  
Then the chaperone comes up.  
  
Matt: (to Gordo) who is that?  
  
Gordo: my hair stylist. She makes ends meet by chaperoning trips with bratty kids that the average adult would rather burn in Hell than go on. It's probably what you will end up doing.  
  
Matt's right eye begins to twitch incessantly.  
  
Matt walks over to his parents, mumbling random words about having to curl Gordo's hair and supervise Lizzie.  
  
Lizzie: well, bye. You guys don't have to stay around here anymore.  
  
Lizzie's mom: how sad (sniffle) my only child is going to be away for a whole 2 weeks!  
  
Matt: what about me?!  
  
Lizzie's mom: you shut up you Black Jack addict! (Turns back to Lizzie) I'm gonna miss you! (Hugs Lizzie)  
  
Lizzie: Mo-om! You're totally messing up my makeup!  
  
Aw.how sweet. A mother-daughter moment. (sniffle) This would have been even better if Lizzie's mom had just remembered the one rule of parenting: kill Lizzie McGuire.  
  
So Lizzie's family leaves.  
  
But don't despair! Because all of the sudden Ethan comes barreling out from the dark shadowy corners and envelops Monsieur Dead Fish and Dizzy Miss Lizzie in the worst fate imaginable: a group hug! [Screams. Twitches and gets some more ice cream. Okay, I added this in later. You'll understand it soon]  
  
Ethan: (in a drunken drawl) you guys are my best friends. I love ya! [Turns to Gordo] you stay away from my wife! (Tries to punch Gordo but just falls down)  
  
Kate comes up.  
  
Kate: hi Dizzy Miss Lizzie.  
  
Lizzie: (kicks Ethan away) (talks like Jerry Seinfeld does when he says "Hello Newman") Hello Kate.  
  
It looks like the 2 are either having a telepathic showdown or some demented staring contest.  
  
Chaperone: You guys are the lucky ones. You are the ones that didn't chose to go to the candy store and spend $12. Instead you chose the trip to Italy.  
  
Yes, believe it or not, that "tax refund" was really to get funding to a trip to Italy for the students. Italy! C'mon! If I lived in their school district I would SO sue that school. Wait, no I wouldn't. I'm too lazy. Well, if I was an activist and lived in their school district and WASN'T taking advantage of the Italy trip, THEN I would sue the school.  
  
Then ani-Lizzie threw a bomb and EVERYBODY DIED!  
  
Just kidding. I am just having some MAJOR writer's block. And the radiation that my computer gives off that usually fuel me are taking.away.energy. Wilting.fainting.weak.have now slumped so low that I can no longer see the screen.  
  
I'm back! Sorry 'bout that. I had slumped so low that I was on the floor and then my cat came up and gave me a look that said "God in)sane, just get off the computer." So I screamed "NO!!!!" and screaming reminded me of that song "we all scream for ice cream." So I went downstairs to get ice cream. But now I have a bowl of Fudge Ripple Goodness and I will complete my task.  
  
Um, so where did we leave off? Oh yeah.the Italy trip.  
  
Chaperone: okay everyone. I'm kinda in trouble with the law so we have to- (sees CIA members) HURRY EVERYONE!  
  
Lizzie and all of her loser friends board the plane.  
  
Gordo and Lizzie end up sitting next to each other. Wowie zowie. Who woulda thunk it? So anyway, the next part of the movie is just clips of the ride. It appears Gordo is really trying to read 'Jughead's Double Digest' but Lizzie keeps on making him play rock-paper-scissors with her. Eventually they both fall asleep. [Okay, this is from the movie so don't think I'm some idiotic sap pile that cries at chick flicks or anything. Thank god no!] Lizzie's head was on Gordo's shoulder and Gordo's head was on Lizzie's head. (God no! Not in that position!) During part of the plane trip Gordo wakes up. I think he must have had a scary dream involving some type of Love Tester being thrown at him from the Sears Tower. (Whistles innocently) So anyway, he sees where Lizzie's head is and smells her hair. I'm surprised he didn't die on the spot from all of her hairspray. It would have made a wonderful gift to the human race.  
  
So then he smiles this hauntingly content EVIL smile and falls asleep again.  
  
It is certain, Gordo is evil. DUN DUN DUN! Okay, so that's my judgement, but my judgment is as good as anybody else's. Except for those people with more than a place where a scrap that remotely resembled sanity used to be. 


End file.
